When addressing the issue of youth dysfunction, few think about how to care for parents. Yet for Richard Ramos, founder of the program Parents on a Mission, parental care is the first area he thinks of addressing whenever dealing with troubled youth. “Communities like to focus on the problems that rebellious youth create when we need to focus on the problems that create rebellious youth. That’s a whole different paradigm,” he told CPJ. More often than not, problems youth face can be traced back to a hardship taking place in the home and Ramos sees his program as a way to help equip parents to address “the root” of the issue. Ramos is clear though that he is not holding parents in full responsibility or contempt but rather his approach is built off the belief that the role of parents in the family unit is a powerful one. “I tell them ‘I’m not blaming you. I’m naming you as the number one asset in the community, the most important person in the community,'” he shared. He spoke with Emily Crouch about the origins of Parents on a Mission, the curriculum he works with, and his subversive reading of the Prodigal son story.
This conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.
EC: Can you say a bit more about your work and how you came to do the work that you’re doing now?
RR: I’m an author, speaker and founder of the program Parents on A Mission. I grew up in Northeast Los Angeles, so having that kind of background where there’s a lot of gangs and violence and drugs stuck with me as a young boy. I was running around with the wrong people, but thank God for my mother who was a strict disciplinarian; she never gave up on me and my brother. Over time, I did a lot of reaching out to gang members and kids in trouble through church, then I became the at-risk counselor at a junior high school here where I live in Santa Barbara. That’s where my career took off and continues today.
On my caseload, I had 50 of the worst kids in the school. They were doing everything their parents didn’t want them to do, whether it was being a part of gangs, doing drugs, dropping out of school, ditching classes, etc. I’ll never forget when one of the gang members was on my caseload and he told me how much he hated his father and that sometimes he felt like killing him. Statements like that impacted me especially since at the time of hearing them, I was a young father.
I continued to build good relationships with these kids but after a while, I knew I couldn’t just accept everything they were telling me. As a result, I started to do some home visits and that’s where the light went on for me so to speak. I went to their homes and saw the dysfunction, lack of communication, lack of control, lack of respect … all of these different dynamics of dysfunction were at play. At that point, I realized that I was fighting a losing battle; everything I may have done to help my students in the classroom would be torn down the moment they went home. I told myself, “If I want to help my students, I need to also help mom and dad.”
It was in the 1990s that I stopped being a youth mentor and started to reach out to parents and offer to mentor them. I did that for a long time and now it’s grown into what it is today. After I developed this program, I realized if I wanted to make a bigger impact, I needed to develop other parent mentors. In 2007, I developed the Train the Trainer program which eventually became Parents on a Mission. I developed a parent leadership curriculum to train trainers in school districts, churches, prisons, jails, and nonprofits.
One of the main questions I get is “Why do kids join gangs?” I would say “That’s the wrong question.” The real question is “Why do most kids not join gangs?” If you answer that question, you’ll find that most kids in any neighborhood, if they’re not in a gang, the main reason is because of the home they come from. That has a big impact on whether a student will get involved in the justice system. I’ve worked in two prisons, I’ve worked in a juvenile hall, I’ve been in the correctional facilities … I’ve seen a lot. The one message that kept coming up over and over and over again when I would ask those involved, whether it was inmates or young kids, “Why are you destroying your life?” It always came back to the fact that they were unhappy at home. Something was broken in their relationship with their parents and/or stepparents whether that was physical abuse, emotional abuse, or sexual abuse. This is across the board for men and women as well.
The Parents on a Mission program is in lots of prisons in Colorado, California, and Pennsylvania. I continue to work with parents who are involved in the criminal justice system and have seen some great results.
EC: Looking at the Parents on a Mission curriculum, you focus primarily on behavioral change. I’m wondering how you approach balancing personal responsibility for behavior and the social determinants that impact both a parent’s and a child’s involvement with the justice system.
RR: I believe regardless of the situation, it comes down to the attachment that parents can establish with their children. We can’t hide our kids from the 24/7 bombardment of social media, movies, magazines, and music. What I tell parents is that we have to inoculate our kids so that when they get out to the community with all the “toxins” that are out there, you’ve put something in them that makes them immune — perhaps not completely–to a lot of the negative stuff that’s affecting them. Virtues like character, integrity, and respect for authority … are all impressed upon you by your mom and dad. The community does not build your children. Your family builds the community.
EC: So if strong families lead to strong communities, how can strong families partner with their neighbors who might be struggling?
RR: At Parents on a Mission, we teach that there are three aspects to social intelligence: self-awareness, social awareness, and relationship management. If we are growing as parents in our social awareness, we’re going to reach out to our neighbors and friends and do what we can. Now, we can’t save everybody, but we can be available. Social awareness means that I’m in tune with you and if I’m in tune with other people, then it makes it a little bit easier for me to engage them. I’ve done this many times before when parents have asked me to help them with their struggling teenager. I always try to say, that as much as I can offer my help, it goes back to them as parents. It’s a hard realization but that’s the challenge of Parents on a Mission.
EC: Could you speak a little bit more about Parents on a Mission and Youth on a Mission … specifically about the model. What’s unique about the model you’ve formed?
RR: It is a discipleship model. When I wrote the book, From The Margins To The Mainstream: Preparing Latino Youth for Leadership in the 21st Century, I felt that there were so many young Latin leaders who didn’t have ambition, vision, or belief in themselves and I wanted to encourage them. But again, I’m just one person so with the model I’ve made, I’m bringing in community leaders who are working with youth and nonprofits and churches. I’m demonstrating to them and teaching them what’s in my curriculum. Some questions we ask and go through are “How do you become a leader in the community? What do you have to do as a young person to get to that place?” That’s what the curriculum is about. Parents on a MIssion’s work is about being a parent and it doesn’t matter your demographic; it crosses all those ethnicities and religious barriers. I’m just developing other leaders so they can develop other leaders and just continue to reach out to parents and develop more leaders that are in the community, reaching families in small groups.
EC: That’s great, and that’s nice that it has this ripple effect. The more people who interact with it, the more they can help others.
RR: It’s just about creating a small group and then they duplicate that and reproduce. I’ve been doing this for quite a while so it’s been very rewarding to see it multiply and grow on a national and international basis.
EC: For the youth that you work with or who are a part of Youth on a Mission, what is your hope for them in their communities long term?
RR: They’ll ultimately discover their purpose, and as they discover the purpose, then they’ll develop their purpose and live into their potential. That’s really what it’s about, and that’s what the curriculum is designed for, to help them discover what is your life purpose and what are your gifts and talents. Then once we discover your passion and your purpose and gifts and talents, we can develop those things. As you develop those things, then hopefully you see that it’s about giving back, it’s not just about myself.
But when you have success and you’re serving, you’re making a significant contribution to the community, and that helps people feel like they’re on purpose, they’re living in their potential, and that’s the goal. I feel like a lot of young people miss their calling because they’re listening to the wrong voice and they’re following the wrong message. If you know who you are and what you’re about, then it’s great, but a lot of young people are being influenced by influencers, and those influencers do not always have their best interests in mind.
EC: That’s a helpful reminder. If you could give one piece of advice or word of encouragement to parents and extended family members of youth at risk of being involved in the justice system, what would you say?
RR: Don’t give up on your kids. They want to make it right, but sometimes they don’t know what to do or how to do it, and that’s why the emotional maturity of parents is so important. It’s hard when your son or your daughter is on the wrong path, especially if they get involved in the system. I would just say, Mom and Dad, don’t give up.
I always use the story of the prodigal son, and I tell people that that story is not about the prodigal son; that story is about the Great Father.
If you look at it, the son got to the pigpen and told himself, “What the heck am I doing?” He told himself that he could go home. The reason he said that is because he knew what kind of father he had; a father who would accept him. Everything that happened in that reconciliation was about the father and his response to this very rebellious, irresponsible son of his. So I try to help parents understand that we can’t change our son or daughter. All I can do is work on myself and be prepared to reconcile whenever that day comes. The hard part about it is that we don’t know when that day is going to come. I have to tell myself “I don’t know … it could be a week, it could be a month, it could be a year, it could be years.” But if we maintain ourselves, grow ourselves and work on ourselves, we will be in a position to reconcile and show our unconditional love of that son or daughter when they’re ready to get their life together. There’s no quick fix, unfortunately.
Everybody wants to fix the kids and everybody wants to start a youth group. And I always say “Who’s working with the parents?” Because that’s where the root of the problem is. I want to be clear that I’m not blaming parents. I often say, “I’m not blaming you. I’m naming you as the number one asset in the community, the most important person in the community.” Communities like to focus on the problems that rebellious youth create when we need to focus on the problems that create rebellious youth. That’s a whole different paradigm.
Richard R. Ramos has devoted his career to serving high-risk youth & families. He is recognized as a national and international expert on preventing youth violence. He is the author of From the Margins to the Mainstream – Preparing Latino Youth for Leadership in The Twenty-First Century, Parents on a Mission – How Parents Can Win the Competition for the Heart, Mind, and Loyalty of Their Children, and founder of “Parents on a Mission” (POM), and “Youth on a Mission”, Train the Trainer leadership programs developing parent and youth mentors, as well as two books on gang prevention and intervention.
